Best (clean) joke so far this year
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Posted:Feb 1, 2007 9:41 pm
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2007 8:10 pm
5215 Views
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience
on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
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the Wedding Ring
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Posted:Feb 1, 2007 9:32 pm
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2007 12:59 am
5031 Views
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Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket
and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out you're married,or explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
he he he he he ouch 
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3
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Why it is important to understand English
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Posted:Feb 1, 2007 9:28 pm
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2007 1:02 am
5000 Views
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Why it is important to understand English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
There was a short line.
Just one guy in front of me. An Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.
He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
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A little boy comes down to breakfast
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Posted:Jan 31, 2007 2:52 pm
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2007 1:02 am
5075 Views
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Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, but he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get a ny eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick chicken, so you don't get any eggs
for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"Are you going to tell him mom, or should I?"
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4
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words of wisdom
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Posted:Jan 30, 2007 11:10 am
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2007 10:01 pm
5354 Views
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a realy good true friend sent this to me knowing i was feeling down.they always know how to make me feel better & pull me back up as i'm sinking to the bottom.everyone needs a rock in thier life......i have a mountain.
Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two:
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand & touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste his or her time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting & just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person & know who you are before you try and know someone else & expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
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14
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zodiac chain
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Posted:Jan 30, 2007 12:46 am
Last Updated:Feb 2, 2007 11:05 am
5123 Views
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i saw this one on pandorasboxxxx blog.well since i dont want to tempt fait & i've had all the bad luck i need i figured what the hell...post it
by the way i'm a PISCES just in case ur interested.its uncanny how correct it is to lol."du du du du" thats the twilite song playing
enjoy & have fun.add ur name here so i may see what u r & dont forget to post it in ur blog
crystal
God I hate chain letters but wtf I'll jump on the band wagon this one time.
Once you have read this, there's no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist predictionist. Read your sign, then repost this in a new bulletin with your zodiac sign and label, or you'll get bad luck for the number of years stated in your sign description.
This is real shit, try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day
starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there.
:SAGITTARIUS:. The Sexy one
Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet.
Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness.
Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna fuck with you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
: TAURUS The
Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships.
Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as hell
Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to fuck with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
:VIRGO:. The Virgin
Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed.
Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart,Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
:SCORPIO:. The sex addict
Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest
ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
:LIBRA:. The Lover
Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you wanna fuck with... u might end up crying... the most irresistible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
:ARIES:. The Liar
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontanious. Not one to F*ck with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships.=) Addictive. Loud. best in bed. 16 years of
bad luck if you do not repost.
:AQUARIUS:. Does it in the water
Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
:GEMINI:. Does Twosomes
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the hell out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
:LEO:. The Lion in bed
Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth.
Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative.
Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
CANCER:. The Cutie
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high ### appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely
creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
PISCES:. The Piece of ass
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high sex appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5
years of bad luck if you do not repost.
CAPRICORN The passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
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my 1st time.....looseing my virginity
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Posted:Jan 29, 2007 11:31 pm
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2007 12:15 pm
5171 Views
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someone asked me about this tonite.it got me thinking lol now i'm haveing flash backs about my 1st time.wow that was such along time ago yrs & yrs lol.
i grew up in the big city of kansas city things were alot wilder up there than down here in the country.i didnt even relize i lived in a big city till i moved here.things were alot different then.it was during the vietnam war it was all about "make love not war" giggles u know the hippy years all about free love.belive me it was to.a magical time before we all knew about aid's,herpes & all the other std's.hell back then we thought a shot of penicillian could cure everything lol.little did we know.
i was way to young but thought i was all grown up.but didnt we all think that lol.i was almost 13 when i had sex the 1st time he was 15.i was more mature than alotta other girls my age.but dam as i look at today that age i think omg i was way to young.
it was a wonderful warm brezzy summer nite.the sky was full of stars shinning brite.in my neighborhood all the came out at nite during the summer.there was normally a group of 15 to 20 .we hung out listening to music, playing hide & seek or trying to scare the crap outta each other.on this nite the game was hide & seek.
jim was his name.he was so hot every girl wanted him.he had longer brown hair,wonderful green eyes,stronge shoulders & a 6 pack tummy.he had on jeans & no shirt.i had a crush on him but didnt think he had ever noticed me.boy was i wronge he had.i was a fast developer at my age.i had big boobs & long hair almost to my waist.i remember i was wearing a halter top & daisy duke shorts.
we started the game all of us takeing off to find the perfect hidding spot.little had i noticed jim was following me.i hide inbetween a house & a big bush.jim came up behind me.i almost past out when he said my name omg was i dreaming.he told me how nice i was looking tonite i smiled & giggled.u see jim was the heart throb all the girls wanted.he was talking to me & hitting on me not the other pretty girls that were playing the game wow oooh what a nite.
as i looked up into his eyes he pulled me into his arms & kissed me the 1st time of many that nite.the next few hours we played the game with all the other .but me & jim were playing our own game of kiss & touch.i was on cloud 9.
as it got later u could hear moms calling the younger home.only the older were left then.we stopped playing hide & seek.one of the had a boom box & started paying music.jim & i decided to take a walk.we got a few blocks away but could still here the music playing.
we were on the side of a house cutting threw a yard.he stopped pulling me realy close to his body.i could feel his hardness agaist me.he kissed me deeply kissing down my neck.at the same time he untied my halter top exposeing my breast.he was kissing me there next oooh he was a great kisser.his touch was so gentle but yet firm.my body felt like electic currents were running threw me.
next thing i knew his hand was down my daisy dukes makeing me feel so nice.i was already wet i was so excited.i unbuttoned his jeans & slid my hand in.wow jim he was so hard.he moaned as i touched him.we were still kissing ,hands expolreing & hearts beating faster.the stars were shinning & the wind blew softly.
he layed me down on the grass.crickets chirpped & the music could still be heard even tho we were breathing hard,moaning & gasping.next thing i knew all our clothes were off.we were a tangle of arms & legs grinding togeather.as he kissed me tenderly he slid deep into me.he was so gentle starting his strokes slow & eazy.omg i was in heaven i was so wet & it felt wonderful.he took me there that wonderful summer nite.i'm not sure how much time passed by it seemed like all time had stopped.
we kissed me on my back legs wrapped around jims back.he continued to pump me gaining speed faster & faster.i think we both came at the same time.omg we exploded i had never felt so wonderful before.we lay in each others arms bodys pressed togeather kissing & touching.before long we were at it again & it was even better the 2nd time around.
jim was the perfect lover to take my virginity. he was gentle & made me cum so hard my head was spinning.he was attentive like he was only thinking of me & my pleasure.i will never forget jim & that summer nite so many years ago.we saw each other all that summer mmmm my summer of love.sadly jim moved away at the start of school & i never saw him again.but because of jim & my 1st time being so fantastic i think thats why i have & still do love sex.mmmmmmmmm jim
so when was ur 1st time?? where was it at & with who?? was it good?? did it make u want it more?? plaes share ur story of ur 1st time with me.i hope it was just a magical & fantastic as my time with jim was.
crystal
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3 wishes
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Posted:Jan 29, 2007 2:37 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 7:12 pm
4968 Views
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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me
first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, drivi ng a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
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ten to one.....things u can learn about me
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Posted:Jan 28, 2007 9:27 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 7:12 pm
4985 Views
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Found this on OldeGhoste blog who found it on CuteChubby8’s blog and I’m reposting as requested....please join in the fun by posting it on ur blog & anserwing all 50 million questions lol so we all can learn alittle more about each other
10 FAVORITES
Favorite Colour: blue
Favorite Food: seafood
Favorite Month: may
Favorite Song: i have tons of favorites but at the moment its......hotel califoria by the eagles since i just listened to it
Favorite Movie: coyate ugly
Favorite Sport: hockey red wings & tulsa oilers kick some major but
Favorite Season: Spring
Favorite Day Of the week: Saturday
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: anything with dark choclate & nuts in it mmmm yummy
Favorite Time of Day: afternoon
9 CURRENTS
Current Mood: good
Current Taste: mint chocalate chip ice cream
Current Clothes: nitie
Current Desktop: pics of my family
Current Toenail Color: dark red
Current Time: 10:26 pm cental
Current Surroundings: front room
Current Thoughts: wondering who's gonna read this & hopeing they will comment on it.
Current Love: i wish i had one but who knows what tomoroe will bring me. i'm single at the moment 
8 FIRSTS
First Best Friend: timmy he was also my 1st crush
First Kiss: with tongues? jerry in the 5th grade
First Screen Name: wizzo42069 dont ask lol
First Pet: skeetar a pet ratcoon
First Piercing: ears did it with a needle ouch
First Crush: didnt u read it above lol timmy we were in kindergarden
First Album: dont laugh elvis to me he's still #1
First Love: jim everyone was in love with jim
7 LASTS
Last Cigarette: quit about 15 yrs ago
Last Drink: water w/lemon
Last Car Ride: came home from joplin
Last Kiss: thom
Last Movie Seen: hoodwinked but i fell asleep so i have to rewatch it tomoroe lol
Last Phone Call: my
Last CD Played: james blunt
6 HAVE YOU EVERS
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends?: yes shouldnt u be realy good friends for it to be a great date
Have You Ever Broken the Law?: mmmmm maybe
Have You Ever Been Arrested?: i plead the 5th lol
Have You Ever Been on TV?: yes & it wasnt cops
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know?:yes
Have you Ever Kissed another Blogger? no but theres a few i wouldnt mind kissing
5 THINGS
Thing You're Wearing:glasses,earrings,nitie,robe & my birthday suit
Thing You've Done Today: laundry,cooked dinner,dishes,babysit granddaughter,exercised
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: tv,granddaughter,both daughters,heater,toliet flushing lol
People that I cannot live Without: let’s make that don’t want to....2daughters,,grandson,granddaughter
Thing You Do When You're Bored: watch tv,blog,play with grandbabies,clean house,cook
4 PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY
outside,kitchen,bathroom & bedroom
3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO
,2 best friends
2 CHOICES
1. Black or White: black
2. Hot or Cold: hot
1 REQUEST
post this on your blog,anserw the questions & post here so i know & I can look at urs to learn more about u, thanks
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5
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The New Purina Diet
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Posted:Jan 24, 2007 10:22 am
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 7:13 pm
5067 Views
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I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs, and I was in the check out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no...I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me .
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
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7
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MOUNTAIN MEDICINE
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Posted:Jan 24, 2007 8:51 am
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2007 7:35 pm
5093 Views
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MOUNTAIN MEDICINE
A Tennessee mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle.
I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
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what kinda mail do u like to recieve ?
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Posted:Jan 23, 2007 2:10 am
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 1:23 am
5002 Views
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i went to check my mail tonite.there was a new one.enclosed was a pic.i thought i have seen this man before.i clicked on his profile then i remembered him.
i opened the mail & started reading.it was a erotic story going into deep deep detail.now i dont have a problem reading erotic storys.i even like them lol.i have even wrote a few detailed erotic storys myself.
i'm a open minded woman that enjoys sex.i dont get embarressed easyly.i joke around & have done my fair share of flirting.what realy bothered me was that the man who sent it to me sent the same story to me a year ago.
there was nothing else in the mail except the story & a pic of him.there was nothing personaly directed to me just like the last time he had sent it to me.i'm a real woman & i would prefer not to get the same clonned mail that he is sending out to every other woman on this site.i dont care to get dirty storys from someone i'm not even interested in as well......i would add more here but i think my replymail to him says it all.
dose anyone else feel the same as i do??
do u think i was being a bitch in my replying mail to him??
how would u react??
my reply to his mail.....
i guess u dont remember sending this same story to me last year do u?? is this the only mail u send out?? ur story was erotic but i would prefer a man to contact me 1st by saying hello & telling me about what he's looking for or why he's interested in me.spend alittle time getting to know me before he sends me erotic mail such as u did.is it the same story u send to all women u mail?? whats up with ur profile headline..... Erotic Writer doing research ???? u mean ur a guy writting nasty things to women trying to get urself off ?? just cuz i'm on a adult site dosent mean u dont have to treat me as a lady dose it?? at least add something personal at the begining or end of ur mail so a girl knows ur not sending the same erotic mail to everyone.i'm not everyone i'm me & i'm worth the time getting to know me.so thanks for the story but i'm gonna pass.
crystal
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7
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hey everyone come play the current game with me pleaseeeee :)
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Posted:Jan 20, 2007 9:38 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2007 1:24 am
5198 Views
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ok i'm kinda new in here but i have done my fair share of posting & bloggin on alotta neat interesting subjects some r mine some r others.i got this from a kwel guy thats fast becomeing a great friend....u may know him OldeGhoste.he gets around lol i mean he has alotta friends.ok r u ready to play the game???
woooooweeeeeee here we go
crystal
If you will leave a comment;
1. I will respond with something random that I know or think I know about you.
2. I will tell you what song or movie or celebrity you remind me of.
3. If you are a female, I will tell you the most likely place that you and I will ever make out.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me or at the very least make some something up that may give the other bloggers something to talk about.
5. I will tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I will tell you what your name would be if you were the opposite gender.
7. I will ask you something that I have always wondered about you.
8. In order to play here you should be willing to post this yourself, so please repost this in your blog.
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To link to this blog (crystalclear4u2) use [blog crystalclear4u2] in your messages.
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