What Dreams May Come
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Posted:Aug 13, 2017 1:13 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2017 11:28 am
4036 Views
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My dream vacation. Just lounging on the deck of a little villa, letting the world spin.
Bliss.
I'm sorry I've been absent from the blogs, life decided to teach me a lesson in chaos, and the cleanup is ongoing. It's not anything I care to blog about so I'm just going to say I may have to be absent from the blog occasionally, life is a priority at the time.
I met Cleavage Fan after years of trading blog comments. We had a lovely dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Friday evening. He is every bit as mischievous and charming in person as he is on his blogs, despite being road weary from a day of driving.
I'm a lightweight, by 9:30 I was beat.
I've met many bloggers who are long gone from these echoing halls, I keep in regular contact with four of them and travel to see them when I am able. Two have become indispensable friends, I trust their advice and counsel and count them as friends for life.
My heart is full today, and things are weighing heavy on my mind right now. Just can't think of much to say.
Peace and Love to all.
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Alternative Universe
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Posted:Aug 10, 2017 12:49 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2017 11:18 am
4367 Views
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To hide out in until the alternative facts are outed for the lies that they are.
Well, how the hell are you today?
In light of the shape the world is in at the moment, I've been kind of ignoring all social media and most of the news. Until such a time as people become truly united, there is less than shit I can do about any of the things I read about. I'm just not strong enough to wage a one woman world against all that is wrong in the world. I'm not charismatic enough to become a great unifier of humanity. I'm stuck in this sinking boat along with everyone else.
So, in light of those things I've been savoring life. Taking in every sunset like its the last I will see, smelling flowers, watching the minions and listening to them playing so innocent, so carefree, and laughing out loud as often as I can find reason.
Because yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't guaranteed, today is what I have. I'm making the most of it.
Peace and Love to all.
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It's Life Jim, Just Not as We Know it
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Posted:Aug 7, 2017 7:14 am
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2017 6:27 am
4617 Views
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A ten minute painting on prepared wood with acrylics. And I have no idea why they keep turning the photo and I'm not wasting more time to try to figure it out. This is not how it sits in my photos.
Ah Monday, you arrive too quickly.
It rained like pouring water from a boot most of the weekend, so I didn't do diddly squat. Went shopping, bought a skin care kit. Pondered if brighter skin and fewer wrinkles were worth the cost, let my vanity win, sort of. Purchased a trial kit and if I feel like my skin looks better after I've used it, I'll make the investment.
My dieting is working, slowly but surely. I'm already able to wear some clothes that were too small just last month! I've given myself a year to get in shape and re-structure my eating habits so that I NEVER have to diet again.
I've decided that once I am through the hard part of the diet and have altered what I eat my next project to making a better me is to quit smoking.
May God have mercy on us all.
This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I grew up in tobacco country, started smoking when I was 12, got parental permission when I was around sixteen or so. And even though I know it is bad for me in a million and two different ways, it is still my go-to for self medicating anxiety and anger control.
(I know for a fact there are at least two people that are still alive because I had a cigarette and a long walk before I returned to face the problems we were dealing with.)
Cigarettes are the only thing I've ever considered to be a real addiction for me. Alcohol was simple enough, I just decided I wanted to quit and I did. And while sometimes I crave the taste of a glass of wine or a rum and coke, it isn't a driving craving. Cigarettes are a nightmare craving. The kind you might be willing to sell body parts to quell.
To date, I've decided at least a dozen times that I was going to quit smoking....the longest I've ever made it was five months.
Within the first hour of deciding to quit, I morph into a grizzly bear with babies and a sore foot. I am mean. The whole world feels like a hostile place and I feel like I might be able to bite sixteen penny nails in half with my teeth. Noises are irritating, my skin feels like it's two sizes too small, I'm suspicious of anything that is said to me, I read negativity in every face I see and I respond in kind. If this were a twenty four hours set of withdrawal issues, I could bite the bullet and just go hide somewhere until they pass. But I'm talking about weeks of feeling like this. Plus I graze like a cow when I try to quit, hence the need to wait until I've managed to knock my diet into shape.
I haven't even planned when I'm going to do this and I'm already stressed out just thinking about it.
Ugh, Monday is bad enough on its own. I'm off and running.
Love and Peace!
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Our Demons Play Well Together
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Posted:Aug 4, 2017 1:30 pm
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2017 3:33 am
4325 Views
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Our demons play well together.
I can see the demon in you when I look into your eyes. The dark intensity of your stare sends a shiver down my spine and ignites a fire that burns with anticipation, longing.
Desire runs rampant through the very marrow of my bones, my soul begs silently for your touch.
It drives me, calling to me to unleash what so long has been cradled within.
Not yet, not yet, stay, say I.
But those eyes that speak to me in a language that has no words, those eyes are luring me, calling on me to unleash my own demon, set free the wanton who disregards all in her need. Who suffers none of societies morality and cares naught for anything save pleasure and pleasing.
Not yet, not yet, I say.
As our bodies join in rhythm and I feel your hands, your lips, your body bringing forth my passion, I look into your eyes and I see him there, yet held in check as though you fear releasing what so long has held sway over you. But he is there nonetheless, the darkness within, the creature who cares only for pleasure at any cost.
And softly, I call to him, cajoling, urging, taunting.
And the shiver is now yours, running down your spine, igniting a passion that has long lain dormant, watching, waiting, longing.
Not yet, not yet, stay, you say.
My hand reaches for the curve of your cheek, stroking your face as my hips arch to meet your thrust and the whispered words become more fevered, the wanton within refusing to be denied any longer, demanding you release her equal, unleash all that has been held inside for far too long.
Yet still you hold him in check, teasing, toying.
I burn with a desire I cannot name, a want that cannot be sated courses white hot through my very veins. My wanton will no longer be denied.
You let go of your control and it is then that he is released.
And our dark and desperate demons dance, spiraling upward reaching for that light that gives them peace and calms our restless souls.
(Ps. My depression has passed 😈)
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Just one of those days.
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Posted:Aug 3, 2017 7:06 am
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2017 3:20 pm
4578 Views
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No photos today, either the site or my tablet is acting like a horses ass and I'm not in the most tolerant of moods this morning.
I've got a busy weekend on tap, celebrating good health with my bestie, making costumes for the minion for a little photo project, spending time with my lover. All good things, but I feel a little overwhelmed to be honest.
I would much rather spend it curled up in my bed with a good book.
Shades of my depression are creeping back in, it started yesterday. I really don't understand what triggers these little episodes, probably a hormonal shift, but I can tell you that being sad for absolutely no reason whatsoever just sucks. If I knew what I was sad about, I could take steps to repair the situation. But for no apparent reason, it just settles in like a dark veil, slowly turning all the bright colors of the world into shades of black and gray. It steals my motivation, any humor I might feel, my ability to take things in stride and it leaves me with about as much energy as a lump of dough.
Blah.
In light of my current frumpiness, I'm going to cut this short in hopes that a little exercise will kick me in the ass and stimulate something. I'm going to put on some loud music and dance with the minion. Their laughter is contagious.
Peace out.
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Squats and Spackle, Take Two
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Posted:Aug 1, 2017 8:16 am
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2017 8:48 am
5803 Views
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I swear this place, this post-eating, lag time generating , half-assed notification place.
Imma write this again, just for shits and giggles.
So, I've been catching up on all the diet and exercise trends, watching make up tutorials. Let me just say that trying to find my me-ness again seems like a fucking lot of work. Two and a half years of menopausal depression has left me sitting in the dust when it comes to knowing about new discoveries in the arenas I need the most work in, diet and make up for the over fifties set.
I fear my vanity is overtaking my good sense.
The diet part, adjusting what I eat and when I eat is not difficult, it is just a pain in the ass. I am a through to the bone Southern style cook, and I've spent the better part of forty years tinkering with recipes to create crispy fried chicken with perfect crunchy skin and juicy tender meat, fruit cobblers and pies with buttery crusts and enough sugar to give a person diabetes just from the smell. When it comes to cooking a heart attack meal, I'm a contender. People love my cooking and I'm not going to be able to eat most of it, even on a cheat day. But after getting on the scales last night, it's going to be at least a year before I can even consider a cheat day. There's a lot of work to be done.
Me, before I started growling at mirrors.
The problem is not the food, it's exercise. For now, I have it covered. I do laps in the pool along with some aquasizes. The water lifts the weight off the joints and I can work out for an hour without crying in pain and hearing my joints sound like a piece of sandpaper being drug across asphalt. And it is working. I was able to get out and take some short walks without coming back home and going straight to bed with a heating pad. I've been using the two youngest minion as free weights too, the giggles make exercise less boring.
Go me!
But summer is winding down, and unfortunately all the indoor pools I could have access to open too late and close too early to accommodate my work schedule. Plus there is my natural squeamishness about public pools. I have seen one too many get in and stay in for hours at a time. And I know, I just know, I'm going to be swimming in what amounts to toilet water.
Yeah, but no.
Just no.
So, gentle readers, I'm open to suggestions on an exercise routine that is low impact for arthritic joints in the lower back, hips, and knees. Which sadly, is where I have always had problems keeping toned.
My once upon a time makeup look. Which now makes me look like I'm auditioning for the role of Pennywise.
My other problem is what to do with my skin, which is starting to look a lot like a topographical map of the Grand Canyon. I need to slow this avalanche of my face, tone up the turkey wattle under my chin and find a filler for some of these deepening wrinkles that just keep cropping up. (My wtf lines could grow a plant or two if I just rubbed a little dirt in them.)
I've watched hours of tutorial videos on skincare and makeup for women over fifty. And they are confusing and contradictory, but I think I've got the basics, I need cleanser, antioxidant moisturizer, retinol, eye cream and sunscreen. The sunscreen seems a bit redundant, because most of the things I've looked at have sunscreen in them.
Then I need a foundation primer, concealer, foundation, blush and bronzer, and a finishing powder to lock everything in place. I don't really like the idea of contouring, I'm not wanting to spend three hours playing with putting on make up, I've never liked heavily weighted make up and all this spackle I'm going to need already feels heavy just reading about it. So the contouring is not going to happen.
But which products are worth the investment? There are tons and tons and tons of stuff out there, and while I know the cheap stuff is not worth buying, I'm not someone who can or ever will feel comfortable spending half a paycheck on makeup products. I need someone to tell me what the hell I need to buy!
Help, all you beautiful women, tell my woefully out of touch self what works for you.
And now you've heard my pleas, the minions are ready for our romping, so love peace and chicken grease!
Wait...no chicken grease...I'm so bad at this.
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That Was Quick!
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Posted:Jul 31, 2017 7:28 am
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2017 6:29 am
4847 Views
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Holy eye blink Batman! Where did the weekend go?!
And here we are, back at Monday. My first chore of the day was disposing of a corpse.
The Muttley Crew killed a young rabbit. Nothing small and furry stands a chance in the backyard here, they are like the riders of the apocalypse, indiscriminate and brutal. While they do look appropriately shamed when I scold them, I can just tell that they just don't give a rats ass, and should anything else feel a need to invade their turf, it will be dealt with in the same swift and violent manner.
Terriers are hunters. I will lose this argument.
But I do wish they would kill something that isn't soft and cuddly for a change.
I really don't have a lot in my brain that I care to write about, Monday's are my least inspired days to be honest. So in light of that, I'll share a few more photos and call it good.
Different things from my walk on Saturday. Zen school for me, nothing else on earth helps me quiet inner turmoil like walking in nature. It is soothing to look at this earth and realize that there are millions of worlds inside our world, living out their lives blissfully unaware of human folly. That there are trees and rocks who have stood silent witness to our triumphs and tragedies without uttering a word, no condemnation, no approval. I find a profound peace when I meditate on these things.
Saturday's peace led into Sunday fun.
I love the antiseptic smell of a good tattoo shop, green soap, madacide. The sound of soft tunes and singing tattoo machines is entrancing. I went with a friend who was getting a large piece finished and now I'm beginning to jones for new ink. I want to feel that old familiar sting, watch as an artist creates, using me as a canvas. I like this artist, and I feel relatively certain that there is a new tattoo in my near future.
Well, not exactly new, but the work I have is 20+ years old, and it's been exposed to a lot of sun, so it's time for an art restoration project.
Plus, feeling that familiar pain will be good for my soul. It will remind me that I am alive and that life is not as hard as I sometimes think it is.
I'm off to the races, peace out!
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Fan-Fucking-Tastic!
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Posted:Jul 30, 2017 7:33 am
Last Updated:Jul 31, 2017 5:10 am
4686 Views
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* Today's mind droppings will be long, have photos, and not be a spank bankable offering.*
Good Morning !!!
I had a most awesome and excellent adventure yesterday, I went cruising/walking at my favorite conservation area. The temps were perfect and blessedly free of humidity. Most excellent.
I haven't got time to blog much, so it is likely I will write again tonight. I'm going to photograph a friend getting her tattoo finished.
I cannot tell you how much shooting photos serves as therapy for me. But I can tell you that I am in quite possibly one of the best moods I have been in for a while. Nature is my xanax.
But without further ado, behold what I beheld yesterday, in the late evening hours when the sun and sky are that particular hue of rose and gold, when everything that is bathed in it's light is gilded and warm.
Peace out, peeps, I'm off and running!
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Let Me Sell You Zion
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Posted:Jul 28, 2017 7:02 am
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2017 7:09 am
4935 Views
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This really struck home with me, I never know what I'm going to write about. I just start writing and it comes to me as I write.
FINALLY FRIDAY! Hallelujah. Two minion free days coming right up. Mr and Mrs will be gone Saturday night, I feel a Netflix binge coming on. I'm so stuck on this series called The Last Kingdom and I've been holding off on watching the last few episodes of the second season so that I can savor them without interruption.
Regular TV broadcasting has become nothing more than one long assed commercial with a bit of interesting crap between commercials. And it never fails that I lose interest in whatever I'm watching and either nod off or go do something else. Commercials are almost as full of shit as most politicians.
My personal favorites are commercials for prescription drugs that list this nightmare array of possible side effects. "Sure we can cure that psoriasis for you, but there is a slight chance that all your teeth will fall out, your nads will shrivel, your eyes will bulge....."
Really!? Well where the hell do I sign up?
But there are two late night infomercials that makes me honestly wonder about humanity.
One is for male pattern baldness. And this dude says, " I can wash this hair, I can comb this hair, I can mess this hair up if I want to mess this hair up!" or something to that effect. It's not really the words, it's this mans enthusiasm.
There are lottery winners who are more reserved.
Vanity, thy name is hair? Personally, hair is one of the last things I notice about someone unless it's nasty and stinky, and I think bald men are incredibly sexy.
Nevertheless, I'm happy for this dude. His joy in being follicularly liberated is quite contagious and I would like to see him do another commercial, perhaps for Viagra.
"I can soap this dick, I can swing it, I can get this dick up if I want to get this dick up!"
The other commercial is for a place that treats drug addiction that is so completely full of shit that I used to sit and yell at the television. Now I just change the channel.
But this Doogie Howser looking dick in a lab coat that must have belonged to Andre the Giant is standing there talking about how addiction can be cured. And he states that if you keep using drugs, you could be hurt, or worse yet, you could hurt someone else.
I was married to an addict. I went through six different treatment programs and a stint in a mental institution trying to help him get clean.
For the truly addicted? There is only one way to be clean, and that is to truly want to be clean. And you aren't cured of jack, you build resistance, you chose a different path. But one tiny slip and you are right back on whatever sauce you were willing to sacrifice all for. Having access to counseling and resources is beneficial, but it doesn't cure a fucking thing. They can lock you away until you are dried out, but unless you want to be clean, you are only taking a vacation.
But the main thing that just slays me about that whole commercial is the statement, "or worse, you might hurt someone else."
Jewish mother inspired guilt healing? That you would look at someone who is so thoroughly addicted that they are willing to risk anything just to be high, even their own death and try to convince them the worst thing they could possibly do is hurt someone else is about the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard. Most addicts have already been wounded so deeply by life that they have turned to being high to escape personal pain. And their ability to see or care beyond that high is limited at best.
The wonder about humanity comes from the people who buy into such shit. I mean, they have to be making money in order to broadcast this craptastic sack of lies as frequently as they do.
Not so much the hair guy, I get where someone's confidence and happiness in self image can be improved, and the product really is a good product.
But that treatment center, and the others like it, how they stay in business is by preying on desperation. By playing on guilt, fear, doubt.
There are no words for how morally reprehensible I find that.
Well, the day is off and running and the minion have woken and are restless. We're going to play with finger paint today! Thank God it is washable.
Peace to all!
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Somber is the Day
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Posted:Jul 26, 2017 5:03 pm
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2017 2:59 am
6020 Views
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Photo is mine, taken at a small water fountain at night.
This whole world is depressing right now, there is so much hate that you can literally feel it when you step outside. You can read it on any social media site. It's in our news every day.
Our 'leaders' the world over use it to hold power, if they keep everyone fighting against one another, there will be no one to stand against them.
And oh how well it is working.
We as a people have always been so quick to profess our hates. No one raises an eyebrow when someone blurts out how much they hate something. Common hates have Facebook communities now.
But....try blurting out that you love something. Watch the fear rise in some eyes, the aversion in others. Listen to how many people say things designed to destroy your love, how many will ridicule your feelings.
It's almost as if we have grown afraid to love.
I grew up in a world largely devoid of love, my father was an abusive alcoholic, my mother gone working most of the time. Family spread far and wide, old hates driving wedges between brothers and sisters, cousins never being allowed to know one another other than in passing. I was a lonely with a bunch of critters and a love of reading. I learned many things through books, gathered knowledge that I carry to this day through my love of reading. But most of all, I longed for knowledge of what it meant to be loved, to give all the years of love I was never able to freely express to someone and have it returned .
So, having never known what love was even supposed to look like, what it was supposed to feel like, I set off in search of it.
My advice on love prior to my quest was pornography, romance novels, and television.
So basically I was looking for Mike Brady on steroids with an insatiable appetite for sex.
It conflicted greatly with the notion that seemed to be prevalent in my family that a woman needed to be married, and have a baby on her hip by the time she was 25. Searching for a dream takes time, but I'm an over achiever. I was there by the age of twenty.
And through four marriages, I failed in every sense.
My last divorce, which was probably the most heartbreak I had ever felt collectively, a betrayal of trust in every convoluted way possible, almost destroyed me.
I closed my heart and the remainder of love I had left to give anyone away for many years after that. All of my relationships took on a business like purpose. I didn't need to even know a last name most of the time. People became nothing more than tickets to whatever ride I was seeking. I was walking a razors edge, manic and unconcerned with anything other than self gratification. I remained kind, fought to not become bitter, but letting anyone touch my heart? Not a chance in hell. Humanity became a disposable commodity for me. I drifted about for a long time, playing here and there, but darting away when I felt like someone was getting a little too close. I dabbled in many different lifestyles, partook in many different hedonistic pleasures. And I have no regrets save one, that I probably wrote off some really good people. But I began sinking a little too deeply into some very bad behaviors. My sense of self preservation helped me pull my head out of my ass and I left here, I went to Idaho. I spent my first months there in a sort of enforced solitude. I chatted online and on the phone. I blogged. But mostly I thought back over the years of my life, the old "Where did I go wrong" soul searching shit that every person who has experienced a traumatic loss goes through.
For a time, it was ALL their fault. And in big ways, it was.
But the thing I conveniently overlooked was my own hand in what had gone wrong. My bad choices, my stubborn attitudes...things I could have done differently that would have prevented all but my last divorce.
And then I started taking stock in all I knew about love, and realized that through all my marriages I had been in love with an idea of love created by a lonely scared whose education on the matter was woefully short and confusingly rendered. So I started exploring my own heart for the things which I knew to be true about love, and I came to realize that loving was as easy as breathing, for I can love deeply without the need for any other quantifer than that I genuinely care about something or someone. That love doesn't have to be reserved for romance and family, it can be freely given to all who are willing to accept it.
Real love is love of any kind. It doesn't require anything other than acceptance.
And honestly, if our species doesn't soon reconnect with the idea that love doesn't have to come with strings and conditions and remember what it feels like to love again, we are all going to be doomed to extinction by our own hand.
Because if you love something, you care for it, you protect it.
If we don't soon start loving this world we live in, it will surely wither and die.
If we don't start loving one another again, so shall we.
Peace to all.
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Zombies Butt Plug Brigade
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Posted:Jul 25, 2017 8:30 am
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2017 8:47 am
4720 Views
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When you think about it, it does kind of make sense.
Well, we've survived until Tuesday, so there may be hope of arriving at the weekend.
And since I was up to my armpits in all last week, I'm going to do my best to avoid the adorable little cherubs until Monday. Don't get me wrong, I adore , love my minion horde, but damn it I'm grown, my own are grown and I have spent over half my lifetime attending either my own or someone else's.
I need grown up time.
Now, back to butt plugs.
I can see where some might enjoy anal pleasure, and I'm not in the least bothered by those who do, if that's your thing, it's just that, your thing. Good on you, go forth and do your thing.
I have never enjoyed anal play myself. I have in the past, when appropriately wasted enough, preformed anal sex. But it was more to please a lover than anything I myself enjoyed. I find the act physically painful and after my last attempt I decided that I just am not going to do this again, because one sided pleasure just isn't sexy to me. And I certainly am not that much of a pain slut. Pull my hair and choke me, that shit turns me on....but leave my ass alone, m'kay ?
Prior to having the Mr and Mrs in my life, back when I was using this site and others for their intended purpose, you would not believe the cajoling, the declarations of "I know how to make it not hurt"... Yada yada yada...I had to go through.
I'm a bitch, so when that wheedling argument began, I quietly gathered my things and left.
No means no. And when a person has no respect for that word, I am done.
Life is too short for selfish lovers.
And now that I know morticians utilize this process, it further solidifies my plans to not be buried. I don't know what happens when we die, no one does. But I do know that
the last thing I want is to potentially start a new existence in some alternative universe with a sore ass and a funny walk.
Besides, politicians are doing a fine job of fucking the whole world in the ass without even the grace of lubricant. 😜
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Fever Pitch
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Posted:Jul 24, 2017 7:48 am
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2017 7:15 am
5098 Views
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Another sketch of mine, this one I framed and hung in the house.
Another day, another blog. (Getting my mojo working again seems to be a full time gig.)
I've been tooling around Blog town, reading this and that. For a place that was once chock full of daily writers, this place feels like a ghost town. I used to watch over 200 blogs here at one time, now even with the addition of 3 new blogs to my watched list, I still only have 84...and zero blogs to read this morning.
That is not to say that there aren't plenty of active blogs, and they are all good blogs, but I'm looking for blogs that speak to me on a personal level, the ones that show a glimpse of who a person is, gives me a sense of what it would be like to spend the day just hanging out and talking. (But then I am looking for friends, not a hook up, so the problem is my own, it has nothing to do with this site or anyone who writes here.)
I've never been very sexually visceral. I do enjoy looking at nudes, but I am not looking in a sexual sense, it's more an appreciation of human beauty than anything that sexually excites me.
It takes an actual laying on of the hands for me to be sexually enticed, honestly.
That is not to say I am not attracted by physical beauty either, initial attractions do begin by noticing a shapely body or a winsome smile and letting my mind wander to all the what ifs and hows. But that is a reality based attraction for me, I've never looked at a photo and thought to myself, "I want some of that." Photos can lie, they are far too easily manipulated now and I have trust issues.
Case in point, this selfie that was taken with the use of a filter. And while it is me, and indeed I do look something like this, what you don't see are the wrinkles, the gray in my hair, the deeply etched WTF lines that reside between my brows. And you cannot see my humanity, you can't see who I am. Personally, in order for that physical attraction go beyond just an appreciation of physical beauty, I have to have a sense of who someone is. Not the deep intimate knowledge, that takes years of communication and verbal exchange. But I need to know that we have some commonalities, share a common view of sexual pleasure. Nothing is more disappointing than going on a blind date with the hope of sexual communion and finding out that fucking a cactus sounds like a better idea, ya know?
Well, the natives are restless, calls for food have issued forth and I must go forth and tame the hunger demon.
Have an awesome Monday!
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Turn of Phrase
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Posted:Jul 23, 2017 9:33 am
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2017 8:44 am
4620 Views
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Ya'll like my new bikini? Hopefully this will stick. If not I'll try to repost it. Ya never know with this place. Part of it is likely my shoddy equipment. I take too many photos.
I've been thinking about seduction, and how words are very much a part of that process. How the right words whispered from behind my hear, so that the warmth of the speakers breath carries softly down my neck will bring forth an immediate response.
I've always been somewhat sexually submissive, I dont really like taking charge in the bedroom. I'm in charge of me, I like it when someone else takes charge of me and just lets me feel what is happening. I don't want to think about sex as a performance, I want to experience sex in wanton freedom with a partner who has the same thing in mind. I've had far too many 'scripted encounters' in my past with partners who had this whole scenario of how something was supposed to be, and while I can play a role to bring satisfaction to a lover, for me, it has to be something that just happens, a natural attraction that builds to desire. I like lovers who invest the time, softly leading me with words, looks, soft touches, that make me want to feel the warm press of a body against my skin, weight pressing me ever downward. I relish the slow lingering touching of non sexual places, a hand pressed against my cheek, lips kissing my neck. Partners who make this investment of time make the very best lovers for me. Another thing will break down my reserve, growling while having sex, nothing turns me on more than hearing a partner growl. Knowing that they have broken the mental boundary between this world and primal instinct, knowing that in that moment the only thing they are thinking, feeling, or even knowing is the feel of what is happening.
This releases the wanton inside me, that reckless creature who is hell bent on quenching the burning desire she feels, who will gladly throw a man back and ride him until she's spent.
And so very few of my past lovers and only one of my husbands knew this creature even exists.
And all that do, found heaven from a few whispered words from behind my ear, their warm breath carrying down my neck, igniting a fire that demands to be quenched.
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