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Cleverly Disquised As A Responcible Adult!!! I'm just a girl with a brain that never sleeps, it's always working nonstop. I am a survivor seeking to be a thriver, a wife, an ex-wife, a lover, a polyamorous bi-sexual, a mother, a step-mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an anima l & nature lover, an open adoption birth mother, an educator, a swinger, a cheater, an abused child and woman, a survivor of that and so many others, always striving not to be the abuser, I need a place to be, to put it all out there, "maybe if it's no longer inside of me it won't keep threatening the life it belongs to". This is my therapy couch. I appreciate you reading, commenting and watching. Thanks for listening or not.
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Wishing and Hoping
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Posted:Nov 17, 2015 12:02 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2015 1:57 pm
359828 Views
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I wish I had the words to make it all ok
I wish I knew what to do or say to make you want to stay
I wish you could see the pain I dread maybe coming your way
And that I’d do anything to take all your pain away
I wish our love was enough maybe it still will be someday
I so want to beg and tell you it’s a huge mistake
I want to go back to the perfection of our yesterdays
But I understand all too well, I know just what you feel
I’ve walked in your shoes of knowing you had to do something crazy
Even if you have everything to lose
I know what it’s like to have to give it one last try even if you know it will make us cry
So I’ll watch you walk away as I cry and grieve
My hearts nothing but glass shards a few more cracks won’t matter anyway
As long as there’s hope, I’ll be here hoping for the day
You’ll walk back through my door and wipe my tears away
I have no doubt our love is real
I have no doubt we could make it last for all days
But you have to find your answers before love can find a way
So go quickly to find what closure you need
I’ll be here trying to figure out how to wish for your happiness
Not my greed.
LAF 11/16/15
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Poetry Pick Up To Heart Break
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Posted:Nov 16, 2015 1:51 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2015 8:41 am
137812 Views
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What my heart wants.
A ring for each hand
A man for each arm
Two halves of my heart
My head torn and shorn
One logic and reason of battle and war
One of intuition and feeling of freedom and lore
My left always leaving with my head
To handle the changing seasons
My right always grieving when in his arms
I’m not clinging
One called me a Saint when I’m a sinner and more
One calls me an Angel when I know I’m a devil for sure
Neither seeing I’ve got no miracles, halos or wings above me no more.
LAF 11/3/15
When next time you see me my camera in hand
Don’t think I’ve gone crazy or mad as a hen
As death creeps round taking family, lovers and friends
I refuse to rely on my memory as the only lens
I want to see photos of your gorgeous face next to mine
Of your arms wrapped around me, your love making me shine
No one know how long we have but we do know for sure
This moment will never return again though this picture will endure
So hold me close while I snap
I’ll only take a few minutes away and someday when you look back
You’ll know we loved creating these memories.
LAF 11/2/15
As my eyes grow heavy and my limbs grow weak
I roll to the space where our bodies always meet
One arm waiting to cradle my head
The other sliding round to enfold my chest
I shimmy back nestled in your arms
Your heart beating in time right behind my breast
Your lips against my ear murmuring words sweet and dear
My body perfectly aligned with no space between our bodies to spare
On these nights when my strangest desire cannot be
I close my eyes
I breath you in
And know our love will always be
No matter the distance between you and me
LAF 11/5/15
The Purple Tiger aka Freak in a Cage
Reach your hand through
Go ahead you know you want to
Bury your hand in that deep purple striped fur
Feel the heat roll over your skin
Hope she doesn’t turn and sink her teeth in
Watch her pace in front of the bars
Is it rage or boredom that drives her so far
Fascination makes you watch
Bravado makes you stay
But nothing short of true courage will let you unlock her cage
LAF 11/15/16
I cried on the massage table today because I’ve felt for over a week that my Italian Love was going to leave me. I told her I felt like a freak in a cage that had scared him enough to make him walk away. I was hoping it was just my anxiety and not my- oh- so accurate intuition. The Viking accused me of being psychic when it comes to the men I love, maybe he’s right but I damn sure don’t want to be. I hate being right.
My Italian Love came to see me this afternoon after my massage and broke my heart today by walking away. He said he felt compelled to give things with his ex-gf one last try. That he just couldn’t move on with me without knowing he’d given it another try. He said it made no sense to him that he didn’t understand why he felt that way only that it was just something he has to do and it was killing him to hurt me. He said he knows he loves me and I love him and he was afraid he was making the biggest mistake of his life. But he’s still going back to a woman who hurt him repeatedly, made him miserable for almost 3 years and I’m still here with the shards of my heart cracking once again. I told him I understood, that I’d be here if it didn’t work out because I just want him back. I just want to love away the pain for both of us. I just want my fairy tale Italian romance for the rest of the year I can have him. 3 months just wasn’t enough. I was making plans for how to include him in my forever now I’m looking at never.
"Love Has No Pride"
I've had bad dreams too many times
To think that they don't mean much anymore
Fine times have gone and left my sad home
Friends who once cared just walk out my door
Love has no pride when I call out your name
Love has no pride when there's no one left to blame
I'd give anything to see you again
I've been alone too many nights
To think that you could come back again
And I've heard you talk, "she's crazy to stay"
But this love hurts me so, I don't care what you say
Love has no pride when I call out your name
Love has no pride when there's no one left to blame
I'd give anything to see you again
If I could buy your love, I'd truly try, my friend
And if I could pray, my prayer would never end
But if you want me to beg, I'll fall down on my knees
Asking for you to come back, I'd be pleading for you to come back
Begging for you to come back to me
Love has no pride when I call out your name
Love has no pride when there's no one but myself to blame
I'd give anything to see you again
Yes, I'd give anything to see you again
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Ti amo e ti adoro mio tesoro!
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Posted:Oct 20, 2015 12:59 pm
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2016 2:43 pm
142021 Views
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Blog Update
Lots going on and super busy lately. The PCS Pet Project of Italy has had numerous events and meetings to prepare for those events. Our audit went well and just as we’re getting ready to officially change Treasurers the incoming treasurer gets a full time job and is talking about resigning. I’m frustrated with the amount of work there is to do and how much doesn’t get done if I don’t do it. We have meetings, the other officers have great ideas, I expect them to follow it through but if I don’t do it nothing gets done, very frustrating! We’ve helped over 30 families moving in and out of the community so I know there is a need but if we can’t find replacements to pick up the mantle of actually running the organization will die.
I’ve been going non-stop since we got back from Turkey. My Italian Love and I got to go to the Crosby, Stills & Nash concert on the 3rd. It was fabulous. Actually the whole weekend was a musical love fest of epic proportions! The first full week of October I did my yearly volunteering at the arts & crafts center to make ceramic pumpkins for carving and painting classes. I made 22 ceramic pumpkins in 8-9 hours over 2 days, plus showed a friend of mine and employees how to make them. I talked to a local dance studio about taking Belly Dancing classes, took my free class and took several professional dance lessons with my sexy massage therapist’s husband, Drew. It was fun but I won’t be continuing at 400 euro for 12 lessons. I am going to try to continue the belly dancing class for a month and see how it goes.
I also dropped off the Knights suit jacket to him. That was a refreshing role reversal. The Knight was basically begging me to take him home with me. He just couldn’t fathom why my being in love with my Italian Love should stop me from fucking him. If it hadn’t been sad it would have been funny as it was it was quite the ego booster to be the pursued instead of the other way around while I was seeing him. The horny people chasing me are just coming out of the woodwork lately. The guy that went with me to Amsterdam the last trip was hinting that he was available again, sorry not interested. Mrs. M popped back up on the radar briefly. I didn’t even respond to her. All these Italian guys at the concerts I go to with my Italian Love, which is ironic considering I couldn’t get an Italian man to look at me for over 2 years going out alone or with other Americans. And the latest most interesting pursuer a Hell’s Angels local Chapter boss who is friends with my Italian Love but obviously thinks everyone should share and play well together. He is a real character, harmless but persistent. He told me he knew the minute he looked in my eyes that I loved sex and was more of a woman than anyone he’s met in years. I told him he sure saw a lot in our first meeting. That he was correct I do love sex and what he was seeing was how well taken care of I am by my Italian Love. The one common theme among most of them (the Hell’s Angel is unknown at this point) is that they all seem to think that because I’m in an open marriage and free to fuck anyone I want that I should fuck anyone who wants me and all are flabbergasted I’m saying no because I’m in love. As if a slut like me can’t possibly have enough scruples to not fuck around on the 2 men she loves dearly.
The Viking Mistress Saga seems to be over at least for now. The entire first week of October the Viking was forwarding me volumes of emails between the 2 of them. She started pushing for attention and another visit. He decided that was the perfect opportunity to deal with the issues of how they could continue with her not wanting to be secondary, and she and I at complete odds. He initially was looking for answers from her about how to make things work, how they could continue when everything she seemed to want was our marriage, how to reconcile her not willing to be secondary and how she wanted or could fit into our lives. She basically blamed all the problems or failures in their relationship on me calling me a jealous, psycho, manipulative, co-dependent, abusive bullying, non-poly wife. If it weren’t for me, they apparently would have the perfect relationship. He persisted and pushed trying to get her to address what she wanted, how she thought it could work and she persisted in putting the responsibility on him to figure out how to make it work for her and on me for it not working. Basically telling him if he really loved her to fight for her and find a way to make it all work. I commented on the parts I felt were really relevant or needed to be addressed between he and I. By the 2nd or 3rd day he said he was cutting all contact with her including the friendship. I pointed out that nothing that he was sending her said that to her and asked how he was reconciling that. He got all pissed off, told me he wasn’t talking about her anymore no matter what happened. We had a large fight where I basically told him that he could take all the time he wanted alone. I’d rather him take some time alone get his shit together than be a grumpy asshole when we do interact or visit. He lives in another country and is under no obligation to deal with me but that if he wanted our marriage to work he couldn’t just say they were over and we were never going to talk about it. He tried to get me to cancel my long weekend plans to go visit him. I told him if he really missed me that much to come home for the weekend because it was cheaper and easier for him than it was for me. He’d been bitching about being short on money anyway. Needless to say he didn’t come home and I didn’t go to Turkey.
Lil Bit got to go with good friends of mine to Disney Paris for the long Columbus day weekend so my Italian Love and I had our first long chunk of time together. Lil Bit had an incredible time in Paris with her new adopted family. She had 2 days at Disney Paris, the aquarium and the Eiffel Tower.
My weekend with my Italian Love was amazing. He made me dinner Friday night, had a red long stemmed rose waiting for me. Then we went out for drinks and music but the music wasn’t to our liking so we went home to bed. We slept in Sat and had a lazy day until he had to get ready for his private party performance. He asked me to go with him but I didn’t feel comfortable with it since it was a private party. I’m glad I didn’t go since it was tight quarters. I made eggplant parm with the last of the seasons eggplants and took it for our lunch the next day. I met up with him and the singer at their favorite local pub for drinks. Then back to his place for another amazing night and sleeping late the next morning. Sunday I helped him translate an original song he wrote from Italian into English. He spent Sunday night at my house so the dogs weren’t alone again. It was an amazing weekend of fabulous mind blowing sex, sweet tender cuddling, and lots of loving conversations.
We decided to make the most of the time we have together and made plans for breakfast, lunch dates and stealing an hour of time here or there whenever we could during the week. He’s been used for sex so many times before he worries about just being a weekend lover and I want to make sure he understands he is so much more than that to me. We’ve had some serious talks about what we want and need from each other. We’re both madly in love but don’t want to make demands or be an intrusion on each other’s lives. We don’t know how the future for us will play out but we do know that we want to be in each other’s lives permanently if we can. We are maximizing this time that we have together, reveling in this amazing love we’ve found and taking things as they come, while we figure out what the future will hold for us.
After the long weekend I re-engaed with the Viking and told him if he wanted to be alone to just do it and when he was ready to work on our marriage then I’d be here. Then he decided to open up and start talking to me about the issues brought up during the break-up discussions with the Mistress. We’re still having deep conversations about that. He seems to have bought into her belief that I am not capable of being poly and will only share him on my terms. Which simply isn’t true at all. He just doesn’t want to see or admit that my reactions were severe because of the severity of his betrayal and that triggered a severe CPTSD emotional flashback for me which wouldn’t happen if he were open and honest with me. He seems worried our marriage may not survive this and frankly I’m not completely sure it can at least not in the way he wants it to. There are just some things we can’t get back we can only evolve and find a new, hopefully better version of us. He wants the old us back and I don’t.
I want something better than what we were. The old us lead us to this betrayal and months of anguish and mistreatment. I won’t ever go back to that again. I won’t ever go back to allowing myself to only have him for a support network. I need to have friends and other lovers who understand me and fulfill all the other pieces of me that he doesn’t. Like the creative side of me with music, art, or the sweet loving tenderness that is so rare from him.
The universe sent me the perfect love when it aligned to put me in my Italian Love’s arms despite all odds against it. I am determined to learn from the past, enjoy every second of the present and allow the future to be the bright shining star it has the potential to be. Take care, love each other well and let my love find you where ever you are.
Kisses,
L
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I'm backkkk
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Posted:Oct 7, 2015 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2015 12:59 pm
142424 Views
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For some strange reason I couldn't log on for a while. I finally figured out there was some security update that didn't change to the newest version so I had to go in and manually adjust some settings on my computer. I'm not very tech savy and have just been too damn busy to sit down here and home, do the research and figure it out. I got it done tonight. I missed you pervs!!! So here are some pics from our trip to the AMAZING places we saw in Turkey, Pumakkale Travertines and Cleopatra's Pool. I'm working on a epic post to catch you guys up on the happenings with the Viking and my Italian Love. Let me just say that I am totally and completely enthralled and in love with my Italian Love and he with me. I couldn't ask for me and feel blessed every second I have with him. The Viking and I seem to be moving forward but only time will really tell and right now I am just enjoying my time with my Italian Love and Italy.
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Secret Loves Club cont’d & Dark Star
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Posted:Sep 21, 2015 5:09 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2015 3:35 pm
126809 Views
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I can’t sleep tonight but it isn’t because I’m upset or worried or hurting. Nope for the first time in a long time I can’t sleep because I’m so damn deliriously happy! My sweet gorgeous Italian Love sent me a message last night to see if we could get together today. I cancelled my cooking class and met him for a coffee in the city center then we headed to a beautiful ristorante and vineyard in the hills overlooking our city. It is grape harvesting time so we not only had a panoramic view of the countryside but got to watch all these gorgeous grapes being loaded. We must have been glowing because an old man on the way into the city center stopped us to tell us that he didn’t care what other old people said about us young people he could tell that love was alive and well in us more than Romeo and Juliet. On our search for a place to eat the first place we stopped was closed as many places are here on Monday but he told us that there was a place with beautiful views that fit our love just a couple of km’s up the road. Italians are so romantic and really love seeing other people in love.
My Italian Love was quick to assure me that he was not lovers with the woman who claimed to be his secret love. He went on a few dates with her months ago and has remained friendly but nothing beyond that. He hates being hurtful and didn’t want to have to tell her to fuck off so he’d just tried to gently remind her that he only wanted to be friends. She has made it plain that she wants more and seems to think if she hangs around enough and professes her love to enough people he will love her back. He was visibly upset when I gave him the details of the quizzing and what she said to me. I assured him I was not upset at all in fact I thought it was funny after I got over the initial shock. He offered to tell her to fuck off but I assured him that he didn’t need to do that on my behalf and that it might in fact only make matters worse. He insisted that he would make it plainer to her that he isn’t interested romantically. I think he was worried she might scare me off. No chance of that as long as I knew he wasn’t with her. I told him about my mean streak desire to tell her I was starting the “Secret Loves Club” and my post here. We both got several good laughs out of that one.
I took the opportunity to tell him that I wasn’t with him just for sex. I can’t deny how amazing the sex is or how much I enjoy it but I didn’t want him thinking I was another woman using him for sex. He said he didn’t think that but he also thanked me with a look of gratitude in his eyes that was painful to see. He is such a good, sweet loving soul it hurts me to think of him being used and seeing that pain in his eyes. I made sure he knew I didn’t expect him to be exclusive with me. That I couldn’t ask that of him when I’m married and he has to share me. I just wanted to be sure we were on the same page about letting each other know if we added any lovers. He was adamant that he wanted no one else but would be sure to tell me if that changed.
No sex today and we were both totally ok with that. It was pure bliss just spending a few hours with him enjoying the gorgeous Italian sunshine, countryside, wine and food. He seemed upset that I was leaving for 6 days and wanted to take me shopping but I told him there was no need for him to buy me anything. He’s always in my heart. He seemed kind of shocked that I really meant it and had no desire to shop. I just wanted to spend the time we had together. He wants to drive us to the airport but it is a long way and I know how busy he is.
He knew without me saying a word that I was upset by something. He initially thought it was the crazy Secret Love lady but soon discovered it was a hiccup in the road to recovery for me with the Viking. He held me and just loved me until I felt better. I hope his love is always in my life. He said he hates seeing me unhappy and I told him I have never been happier than I am right now because of his love in my life. I told him there would always be a place in my heart, soul and life for him no matter what happens with the Viking and I. I’m at peace that life will be great no matter what. I trust that God/Goddess/fate/karma has me firmly in her hands and all will be well.
Several unrelated events had me feeling the Viking was lying to me about the Mistress. I know he isn’t being completely forthcoming with her about the boundaries he’s telling me he’s setting with her. He promised to send me copies of the relevant important conversations with her regarding the new boundaries and how their relationship had to change until some resolution with her is found but when I asked for the conversation he was referring to he got pissy about it. I’m trying to be patient with him about her but it isn’t easy and I really think he expects way more from me than is reasonable given the way he treated me. He keeps throwing out how understanding and supportive he’s being with my love and I keep replying that one has nothing to do with the other. No one I have brought into our marriage has tried to take his place. They have all been extremely accepting of being secondary to him and had no problems getting along with him other than when he was being a dick to me. We had one of our marathon chats/discussions/arguments tonight. Hopefully, it will bear the fruit it promised in the coming months when she brings up coming back out for a visit at the holidays. We shall see.
I need to pack and have a busy day tomorrow with therapy, a dental cleaning and Lil Bit’s therapy. Plus my Italian Love is trying to clear his next 2 evenings so he can come spend the night with me. He didn’t realize how soon we were leaving or for how long. I’m so thankful and blessed to have every minute of time with him that I do. His song for me today was “Dark Star” by CSN. I knew the song but had never really listened to the lyrics. It is so fitting for us. He’s also working on a new song he said I inspired but isn’t ready to share yet. I’m going to try to work on translating the lyrics of his other original song. The verses are in Italian but the chorus is in English so the trick will be finding the right words in English to still fit the music. I’m looking forward to it. He says we have to find places we can share music together him playing and me singing. He also asked me to come to a music event to sing with him the day after Christmas. I was so totally flattered and blown away that he was already wanting to plan things at Christmas with me. This man is such a gift and a blessing to me. How amazing life is and can be?
May the love I have find its way to all of you. Take care and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
Dark Star by Crosby, Stills & Nash (who I plan to see in concert soon here. Yay)
[Intro. (Percussion + Acoustic Guitar)]
Forgive me if my fantasies might seem a little shopworn
I'm sure you've heard it all before I wonder what's the right form
Love songs written for you it's been going down for years
But to sing what's in my heart seems more honest than the tears
I am curious
Don't want to hurry us
I'm intrigued with us
Ain't this song a bust
I don't care dark star
I met you several years ago
The times they were so strange but I had a feeling
You looked into my eyes just once
An instant flashing by that we were stealing
Another time you felt so bad
And I wasn't any help at all as I recall
We didn't know quite what to do so we left the wanting be
Still there for me and you
Dark star I see you in the morning
Dark star a' sleeping next to me
Dark star let the memory of the evening
Be the first thing that you think of
When you open up your smile and see me dark star
It's easy to be with you
Even with the storms that rage beneath your search for peace
We must make some time together
Take the and find a world that's ours to keep
Now you've got me dreaming girl
It's been so long that I thought that I'd forgotten how
My heart is once again my soul
We touched we did you know we did no more teasing now
Dark star I see you in the morning
Dark star a' sleeping next to me
Dark star let the memory of the evening
Be the first thing that you think of
When you open up your smile and see me dark star
[Instrumental (Electric Piano + Acoustic Guitar)]
Dark star I see you in the morning
Dark star a' sleeping next to me
Dark star let the memory of the evening
Be the first thing that you think of
When you open up your smile and see me dark star
Let the memory of the evening
Be the first thing that you think of
When you open up your smile and see me dark star
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The Secret Loves Club
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Posted:Sep 20, 2015 9:05 am
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2015 1:47 pm
113579 Views
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The Secret Loves Club
My last week plus has been super hectic. I had 3 different events for the pet project that I had to be at as the President plus the meetings and errands to get ready for those. I was really lucky to that I got to spend the afternoon Monday with my Italian Love and then again on Friday. Friday he came to my house for lunch and was impressed with how healthy I eat (minus the junk food around from the BBQ and Lil Bits not so healthy eating..lol…). We spend a couple of hours making love in “the biggest black bed” he has ever seen. He’s been really working hard and late with the music. I knew how tired he really was when we both fell asleep with him curved around me, holding me in his arms and still inside me. I really hated to have to wake him up when I had to leave and tried to get him to stay in my bed for a nap but he headed home. I went to my events and met back up with him later that night at a concert of a friend of his. Janis Joplin cover band that was fabulous. He came home with me and stayed the night but I had to get up early Saturday morning for the last event. It was so damn hard not to stay in bed with him all day. He’s freaking amazing. I don’t know how he sleeps with a perpetual hard-on. We parted Saturday morning with plans that Lil Bit and I would be coming to see his show that evening.
Our morning sex was cut short because of chafing. He suggested I wax my “sweet strawberry” instead of shaving so I have an appointment with a waxer next week. I want more of him than I can get and he is obviously more than willing and ready to give it. That man is hard in an instant and all the damn time. I do need to make sure to tell him next time we are together than unlike his last GF I’m not just with him for the sex. If I just wanted sex I’d still be looking for 25-30 year old local American hotties to shack up with. I get so much more from him. Being with him makes my soul sing.
Seeing him at his shows is always interesting. We had several discussions about the persona he keeps as a musician. He doesn’t want to be publicly linked to any one woman. He’s using the broken hearted musician as a means to keep the women away but he made a point of telling me numerous times he was free. Of course loving me is even more complicated by me being married. In some ways, it makes it easier for us because there’s not really any questions about me chasing him romantically. My chasing him can be blamed on my love of rock music. The band and their spouses have met the Viking and Lil Bit. Lil Bit often goes with me to the concerts so we’re just the crazy American fans. The other band members and at least one of the spouses has really made an effort to take me into the fold. They are so sweet and welcoming. They think I’m crazy going to all these events alone or just with Lil Bit but they seem to love having me there.
Last night I got roped into dancing with another lady I noticed at the show the night the Viking went with me. I was not all together surprised but caught a bit off guard when she started quizzing me on why I was at so many shows. All of 2 that she’s seen me at. She thought I was just here on “holiday” and did not look pleased when I told her I have lived here 2 years. I gave her the standard answers of being attached here because of the Viking’s work. My working as a teacher at the American middle school and just loving the live rock music. She then informed me that she was my Italian Love’s “Secret Love” but they had to keep it very secret because of all the very jealous Italian women. It was so hard not to tell her I was too and that he had just left my bed that morning…lmao… Of course I didn’t do that. I didn’t have to act surprised but I did pretend that I’d be sure to keep her secret. She’s an Italian primary school teacher and thoroughly looks the part. So it is hard to imagine my hard rocking Italian Love in her arms. Of course at this point I don’t know that he’s actually her lover so I shouldn’t assume. I was hoping when I messaged him this morning to let him know she’d shared her secret that he would tell me one way or the other but he didn’t. I know, I know curiosity killed the cat!
I also know that I have no right to be feeling the way I do. Not that knowing has any change on how I feel. It is an odd feeling. I’m not jealous as I’m quite sure he isn’t spending the kind of time with her he does with me and I have no doubts about his feelings for me. It was obvious from my conversations with her that she doesn’t know the details of his life and day to day situation the way I do. I’m probably a good bit younger than her or at least look that way. I get a lot of attention from his friends anytime we are out and he obviously enjoys showing me off despite my lack of speaking Italian. Ultimately, I just don’t believe that he is faking with me. I don’t want to believe that he’s whispering the same sweet nothings in someone else’s ears but my head won’t let me forget the my own husband does so why wouldn’t my Italian Love. That hurts to think that no one’s love for me is mine alone.
I guess it is just a matter of not liking that I don’t know if they are actually lovers. I don’t like being caught off guard and I wish if he knew she was one of the “Secret Loves Club” that he had warned me ahead of time. Maybe it is a feeling of possessiveness towards him, again not something I’m entitled to since I’m married and he has to share me. Perhaps it is just a matter of wanting more time with him than I have and not liking her personally. I don’t know but I don’t like that I feel this way so I need to unpack it and digest it. Your input and advice is always welcome.
I wrote the poem last night after we got home from the concert. At the time I was determined not to say anything to my Italian Love. I was feeling hurt and betrayed despite knowing I shouldn’t be feeling that way. After writing it I realized it really applies to so many other relationships in my life. By morning, I was feeling much better and laughing about the “Secret Loves Club” so I messaged him like I normally do and told him about the encounter. I figured if he really wants to keep things secret with her then he should know she isn’t doing a very good job of it. Like I said before I was also hoping he would give me more info than he did. I’m not really sure what to make of his response to me actually. He said; “I know who you are, your soul is shining in my heart.”
What do you guys think? Take care sweet pervs and love each other well.
Kisses,
L
Overthinking and doubts creep in
Like long lost friends bent on revenge
I hear my head warring with my heart
“You knew what you were getting,
Right from the start.”
My soul stands firm in what and who it knows
There are no mistakes where love grows
Let your intuition run free and it will see you through any spree
Trust the heart what the heart is saying to me
Love while you can, there are no guarantees.
LAF 09/20/15
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Love More or Less?
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Posted:Sep 16, 2015 3:15 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2015 1:02 pm
108194 Views
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Love More or Less?
Love cannot be measured, counted or weighed
How can you quantify the gift love gave
No two people can ever love the same
There is no score keeping love is not a game
Why reject love offered because it isn’t packaged and pre-made
Love is give and take, compromise at its best
It will never be all the way we want it but real love stands the test
There is only so much in each of us to give
Feeling like our love isn’t good enough is no way to live
So love me as I am, not as you wish me to be
When I change it will be because I felt the need
Take the love I offer free and willingly or cut me out like a cancer
If that’s what you really need
My love will continue even if you’re gone
Real love doesn’t die
It carris on and on.
LAF 9/17/15
In the midst of my love fest, Mrs. M decided that she can't see me anymore at all because it is too painful for her. Why you ask? Because she says I don't love her as much as she loves me. The poem above was my way of processing through that. She's going through a really rough time at home and I wanted to be there for her anyway I could. I was on the brink of saying we could try rebuilding a romantic relationship between the 2 of us when she sprung this announcement on me yesterday after butchering my hair because she was so upset and distracted. I'm glad I didn't open myself back up to her romantically. Now I have a shitty haircut to fix along with a pain in my heart because someone I love can't accept what I have to give. I know it is for the best but it always hurts to watch someone we love in pain. It is what it is. I will continue to enjoy my love fest with my Italian Love and my Viking as well as all the friends I have who love me good, bad, ugly and all. My Viking, my Italian Love, my therapist and dear friends have all been there for me to listen and give advice. I'm ok and will be fine. Thank you all for listening and being with me on the crazy ride!
Take care of each other and love each other well.
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Words Flow Like the Love We Share
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Posted:Sep 15, 2015 2:18 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2015 3:33 pm
105202 Views
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I got to spend the afternoon with my Italian Love yesterday. Initially I thought he was going to break up with me. He is extremely sensitive to the feelings of those around him and he picked up on some hurt from the Viking. Worrying it was because of our loving each other he was thinking of walking away. After I filled him in on the details of our struggles the last 6 months he agreed that what he was feeling from the Viking was probably due to the Mistress not being willing to find a way to accept what he has to give her. He loves her and that hurts.
We talked over lunch then went to a gorgeous park and lay under a tree enjoying the sun and each other. After his grown left their place for school we headed back there and broke his bed making love for the last 2 hours we had together. Each time we touch the words flow from me like the love I feel for him. Two new poems last night.
Sun and Moon
Most of my life has been a great raging storm
Born into a hurricane of generations of rage
I had to learn early and often to rise above the pain
Taught to find the joy and happiness
Where others only see heartache and disgrace
My life’s trials gave me the strength to weather anything with grace
I try to be thankful cause every waking day is a gift
Choosing to reject the negative life throws to push us astray
Seeing the blessings with light leading the way
The storms clouds will always return but the earth needs the rain
Stepping back into your peace the clouds part for the sun’s sweet face
With the moon reflecting back the path of love with which we’ve been graced.
LAF 9/14/15
Love’s Forever Home
Two souls journeying on seemingly unconnected paths
Somehow the twists and turns led us to an answer as sure as math
A right turn here with the best choice there and our worlds exploded with that first stare
Our souls recognizing immediately what our hearts soon knew
Never before had such love been in bloom
Now we drag our minds along as we find a way to make it through
Love this abundant can surely find the way to make love our home forever to stay.
LAF 9/15/15
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Waking Nightmares to Beautiful Dreams
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Posted:Sep 13, 2015 4:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2015 6:07 am
106257 Views
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Waking Nightmares to Beautiful Dreams
The Viking just flew out today heading back to the land of Menace. He was home for 10 days. The first few were a bit tense and honestly kind of strange. I was still in “warrior” mode from fighting with him for the last several months and had you asked me before he got home I would have told you I’d prefer he not come home for a few more weeks. We had some serious discussions about the events of the last 6+ months and the Mistress. We clarified some things we weren’t quite on the same page about. We had a couple of stupid spats over things that didn’t really matter but the most important thing is that we reconnected with each other again. My anger, frustration and hurt seemed to melt a little at a time. I finally feel like I really have my true loving Viking back again. He made huge efforts to try to make me see that he is back and wants our marriage to thrive again. He fully accepted how much he fucked up and how close he was to destroying an incredible marriage over someone not likely to ever fit into his life never mind our lives. He still gets prickly about her sometimes when I say things he doesn’t think are very nice but at least he now admits when it is the truth. It isn’t “over” with her but that is mainly due to her not wanting to address the issue. I suspect that they will remain “romantic pen pals” but that she will let the actual physical relationship die rather than deal with the issues of how she can fit into our lives. They aren’t speaking much at all anymore and what they do speak of is superficial political or military shit I’m not at all interested in. I reminded him it would take time for me to fully accept that he isn’t going to betray me again for her. I also remind myself that only time will tell if he’s really willing to stand his ground with her.
The Viking and I went to the local swing club I’ve been going to since July. The first time we went was couples only night and we wound up playing with 2 other Italian couples. The women initiated with me and then the men joined in. No, they didn’t speak English and we don’t speak Italian (much) but it worked and we had tons of fun. We also had quite an audience anywhere we were having sex which was fun. The last time was Friday night and it was not fun. There were too many creepy single guys who seemed to think that I was free meat since I was there with a man. I’ve never had that issue when I’ve gone alone. I told the Viking that I’d rather be there alone and be invisible and unapproachable rather than the creep factor. I’ll go back at some point and I’m sure the Viking will want to go back when he’s home.
I got to spend another night with my gorgeous Italian Love during the week since the Viking was home to get Lil Bit up and off to school the next morning. If you want to know what he looks like take a look at my beautiful friend, the sexiest of Spartans, gardenboy321. Minus the glorious tattoos these too men are quite similar. In fact, I wonder now if that wasn’t part of the attraction to start with. I’ve described my Italian Love as a Rocker version of Jean Luc Picard from Star Trek. For those pervs wanting to know about the dirty details of the sex it is incredible. He’s even larger than my Viking which presents quite the challenge for me with oral and I pride myself on that skill. His stamina is killer, hours and hours basically non-stop. The man is more than a decade older than me and wears my ass out! We both had sex injuries this time. My chin fared better but still had a bit of stubble burn and his cock was sore. We both agreed more practice would solve both issues…lol…
Anyway, I was so excited to get to spend an entire night with him but nervous because I was worried that my over active romantic imagination had over hyped the amazing connection he and I have. Apparently he had the same fears as we found when we were walking along the Brenta River talking about how happy we were to see each other. I’m thrilled to tell you that not only was our nervousness unnecessary but our connection is even more intense than I remembered or maybe it is just growing with each time we are together. I’ve never known a man so willing to open his heart and show his emotions. He is as in love with me as I am him and we find more and more we have in common. He is fiercely romantic yet pragmatic and open minded. He sends me clips of artwork that remind him of me and songs he sings for me. He has such a busy life trying to get his music heard and recognized but always makes time to chat with me everyday. He says the sweetest things to make my heart melt. Like the first night we were together, towards the end of the night I was begging him to cum with me and he chuckled then whispered in my ear in Italian. When I asked him to translate he said “I can’t be bothered with that because I’m too much enjoying the hurricane in my arms.” This time I was an inferno lighting his heart and soul on fire with my love.
I don’t think either of us slept much or very well. The sex is effortless the sleeping together may take some getting used to. Plus I don’t think he sleeps much and I’m a marathon sleeper. He brought me breakfast in bed the next morning (tea and a protein smoothie) and then made love to me again even after telling me he just couldn’t anymore. Same thing happened in our 2nd shower. Neither of us wanted to part but we both had things we had to do that afternoon. I left glowing, feeling blessed and loved beyond compare.
This idea of sharing and polyamory are a bit hard for him to understand. Oddly for him I think being poly is easy but the sharing sexually and kink just aren’t his thing. We talked a lot about both before and at dinner. He can’t imagine wanting to see me in another man’s arms sexually whereas my Viking is truly turned on by it. He doesn’t have any problem with sharing me emotionally but I think sexually he is possessive. I sensed that no matter how much I reassured him that the Viking was really happy that I had him in my life that until he heard and saw that comfort himself that he couldn’t truly believe it. Not that he doubted my honesty just one of those times when you have to see something with your own eyes to truly believe it. He did seem to understand much better when I explained that the Viking just can’t tap into his softer feelings the way my Italian Love does. Never mind expressing those feelings to me outwardly. My Viking can be very romantic at times but I think his work has killed a piece of him that even my love will never resurrect. The Viking loves me tremendously and would do anything for me to make me happy but there are limits to what he can do and it isn’t fair for me to ask those things of him. My Italian Love gives me the soft sweet emotional love that the Viking just can’t give me enough of. He tries to give me the snuggles and cuddles I need but it isn’t what he needs. By having my Italian Love in my life there is a burden of my needs taken off the Viking’s shoulders.
The Viking was a bit taken aback by the intensity of my connection to my Italian Love (I have got to come up with a better blog name for him but nothing has seemed right so far. Any suggestions?) I told him that he was the only man besides the Viking that I have ever had that kind of intense immediate connection to but he didn’t really get it until we were talking after I got home from spending the night. The Viking asked me jokingly when I was going to profess my undying love to him and I answered quite seriously that we had both done that the first night we were together. I could feel his shock but he tried to play it off as just being NRE (New Relationship Energy) and no big deal. I told him that I didn’t expect him to accept it because he didn’t believe in love at first sight but that I did. He didn’t belittle our feelings again after that but he did need some reassurance that I wasn’t going to try to replace him. We talked about what I love about them both and my not giving him up but needing someone who could feed that sweet romantic side of me just as much as I need him. My Viking knows me better than anyone in my life ever has and there are some very dark, nasty sides of me and my life that I don’t think my Italian Love would accept as easily as the Viking. The Viking loves all of me even my evil bitchiness. My Italian Love is all about only allowing positive energy in your life and as much as I try to embrace that there are just times when I have to be an evil bitch to avoid being walked on. In any case, I wouldn’t give up my Viking for anything or anyone (short of him driving me away) but I also want more. I want the tender, sweet but absolutely intense love that I have with my Italian Love too. Since we’re poly there’s no reason I can’t have both.
We threw a cookout at the house the day before the Viking flew back to celebrate him being home and just enjoy having our friends over. We had about 25 people but my Italian Love and his band mates weren’t able to come because they had a last minute music engagement come up. I really wanted the Viking to meet my Italian Love so he could reassure him that he really was happy that I have him in my life. So we went to the acoustic set the band was playing. I could tell my Italian Love was nervous. He was drinking grappa while playing which he never does and smoking again after he quit for weeks. He played “Cowgirl in the Sand” for me and came over when he could take a break to say “hello”. We had already talked about it being best for us to just appear to be good friends when at the public music settings. I honestly don’t think that will last long but it is the wisest course for now. We stayed until after the crowd had thinned and he had made his rounds so we could just hang out with the band. I already knew the other two but the Viking didn’t. The Viking said he found a few minutes alone with my Italian Love to tell him that he knew how happy he made me and that made him happy. Judging from the message I got before I got home that really set my Italian Love’s mind at ease. I’m really curious to hear how he felt about the meeting. He played the song that we met over and I sang. He promised to make some time for me this week and I can’t wait to see him again.
I have a really busy week ahead of me and I know my Italian Love does too. In less than 2 weeks Lil Bit and I will be heading to the Viking’s new home for a long weekend and the following weekend is [LadyUnlaced]’s wedding! Woohoo! I’m sooo excited. Also a bit worried since I don’t have a definite sitter lined up for Lil Bit and I really can’t take her out of school for that much time. It will work itself out I’m sure. I have two different events for the Pet Project with coming weekend plus the meetings and preparation to get ready for them both.
That my dear pervs is how a week can move me from living in a waking nightmare to nothing but beautiful dreams of the future with my Viking and my Italian Love. I hope you all have had a fabulous week. Pics attached is 119 lbs of happy Nympho!
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Do you believe?
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Posted:Sep 1, 2015 2:45 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2015 3:32 pm
107772 Views
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Beautiful Dream
I awoke this morning afraid you were just a beautiful dream
No, no my mind couldn’t conjure such fantastic scenes
And my skin it whispers of the delight of your hands
My ears recall the sweet words from your lips
My body aching to be fit like a glove
And in the light of day even my soul sings your name
I am yours and you are mine even if only from another lifetime
A gift from above to be sure
No uncertainty of the cure
Gliding through hours like fine grains of sand
Memories of us flowing together seamlessly
Until I’m in your arms again making more beautiful dreams.
LAF 9/1/15
Do you believe in love at first sight? I do because it has happened to me before. It takes work and intent to make it last a lifetime but I know for me it is possible. Is it possible that one woman could be so lucky as to find it twice in one life? It is for me because it happened last night. Well actually it was confirmed last night. I met a musician a few weeks ago who absolutely captivated me and drew me in. I felt certain he felt the same cosmic pull but didn't have a chance to have any really deep private conversations with him until last night.
Never in all my life have a met a man so willing to let his intuition, his hear rule and be willing to put all the cards on the table. He was as dumb struck by the connection between us as I was but he didn't shy from what we both thought. Love, immediately in love. Will it last? Who knows but neither of us care either. We are just happy with the blessing of each other in our lives. What a magnificent gift this man is in my life and he says the same to me in Italian, French and English. My great Italian love has arrived and I am blown away.
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Exhalation of Heart & Soul
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Posted:Aug 27, 2015 6:38 am
Last Updated:Sep 3, 2015 10:17 am
107558 Views
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My heart and soul exhaled a huge sigh of release last night after chatting with my Viking for a while. It finally feels like he has pulled his head out of his ass and is able to see things a bit more clearly now.
Here’s what he said that made me feel much better about the state of us:
Viking: I think she (Mistress) is holding her breath and waiting to see what comes out of you and me. I am just waiting for her to engage. When she is ready to engage I will tell her that I don't see a way forward in a relationship with her if I can't even mention basic stuff about you - like you don't need me to get into .X. without her having a break down. That I don't see a way forward when two women I love can't get along, even for a couple hours, let alone stand to be around each other. That I just don't see how she is ever going to get what she wants from me when what she wants you already have.
As long as she respects the boundaries, like I don’t have hours to chat with her, etc., then for now this is fine. It will come to a head soon enough b/c she will get impatient – impatient to know when she can come out next, impatient to know where you and I stand, where she and I stand, impatient in general – and I will use that as an opportunity to tell her I don’t see the relationship as capable of moving anywhere at this point. Too much hurt, damage and baggage at this point and none of it likely to go away on either of your sides. Plus the novelty of being between you two has faded and frankly you and us are much more important to me. I choose you. I always have. I lost my way for a bit but I’m been back on track for a while. I just have to convince you of that.
In our relationship plan there is a thing about removing toxic people from our lives or something like that. I think we are both in the process of putting the toxic to the side. You with Mrs. M and me with the Mistress.
I am resigned that the damage that has been done by all sides in the Mistress thing is irreparable unless there is a major shift in her thinking.
Doesn't make me love her any less, but loving her isn't the same as accepting her role in my life and OUR life when it is not constructive. I am resigned to the fact I don't see any constructiveness coming out of the relationship as it was.
So, I know you prefer to just rip off the Band-Aid, but blind siding people isn't MY style. Right now there is no movement - the water is still. Once she starts steering us toward the rapids I will use it as the opportunity to take control of the boat again (like I haven't had control the whole time, but you get my point). Or maybe she will get bored and give up, or maybe she figured out after being out here that she and I aren't that good in large chunks of time together - that we start getting on each other’s nerves - and redefine the relationship herself.
But yes, I tend to agree, that she is just waiting to see if we implode. I don't agree with you about her WANTING our marriage to fail. I still think you have that one wrong. However, I do agree that if it failed she wouldn't hesitate to step right in and comfort me. LOL
Me: She can't have what she wants any other way than us apart so the fact that she isn't actively plotting (or you don't think she is) doesn't make it any less harmful and not what mature people who love each other do.
Viking: I think she is afraid to ask. Like I said, walking on thin ice right now and she knows it...doesn't want to move too fast and break through it. Well, that is part of the narrative I intent to bring up to her as I said. If she wants to have the benefits of being married, then I am not going to get her there. If she can't accept that you have a position and role she can never have, then once again, that is not healthy for any of us.
Now I just have to wait and see if he follows through. I think he will. He sounds like he is back to the Viking I know and love and not thinking like a spoiled 3 year old throwing a tantrum over a new toy. BTW, he agreed that was a very apt description of his behavior in regards to the Mistress with me. Hopefully, she will get impatient soon. He said something about him wanting to have his cake and eat it too and I told him: “You can have your cake and eat it too but your cake has to be willing to fit in the kitchen you have and share it with the cook already in it or that cake isn't the right one to bring into our kitchen.”
In other relationships, Mrs. M and went with Lil Bit and me to Music Café last Saturday and to the #1 water park in Italy 9 years running yesterday. Mrs. M has been trying to subtly find out if/when I was going to come back to her bed preferable her and Mr. M’s and I have been consistently telling her that I agreed to working on our friendship not sex. Yesterday at the park just before we left she got brave and asked me when I was going to forgive her and have sex with her again. I told her I had already forgiven her or we wouldn't be talking but that the sex wasn't happening. She asked why and I told her that given the volatile nature of what they are dealing with as a family and the fact that I didn't feel like I could give enough to her that I wasn't feeling to put myself in that situation again. That we could be best friends. She said "So you're never going to have sex with me again?" I told her I wouldn't say never but not anytime soon or in the foreseeable future. I told her that she and I were in completely different places in our dealing with our PTSD and that I was pretty sure that type of thing was bound to happen again because of all the stress she's under. We'd already been through the whole CPTSD not being an excuse to pull that bullshit. I did tell her that I felt like she feels more entitled to say/do what she wants when she is in a relationship with someone b/c of her possessiveness or a sense of being more important and having more say and I wasn't going back there again. That I would not be romantically involved with someone that couldn't respect my boundaries. She didn’t like my answer much so I expect her to “break up” with me again or unfriend me again. Either way just reinforces that I don’t need to be involved more than a friend.
The Knight has been in touch over the week and plans to come Friday night to fuck me silly! Woohoo! I can’t wait. Unfortunately, he’s going right back out of town for work for at least a week but he did say he was open to fucking me in front of the Viking again so maybe we can all have some fun while the Viking is home in a little over a week. That would be fabulous!
I’m up to my eyeballs in work for the pet project and trying to make sure Lil Bit enjoys the last of her summer break. We’re either going thrifting or ceramic-ing today. It’ll be fun either way. Say a little prayer that things with my Viking have finally turned a crucial corner. I hope you pervs are enjoying the last rays of summer.
Kisses,
L
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Happy Monday!
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Posted:Aug 23, 2015 5:54 pm
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2015 4:53 am
107857 Views
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Just thought I'd share a pic or two in hopes of bringing you pervs a smile. I had a fun weekend despite it being sex starved...lol...The Knight is not quite as out of the picture as I thought he would be but I also have not actually gotten my hands (mouth or pussy) on him yet so...we shall see. Details will follow I'm sure but here's a little peek at the fun I had this weekend.
Kisses,
L
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Wicked Wind of Menace
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Posted:Aug 19, 2015 6:53 am
Last Updated:Aug 30, 2015 6:54 am
108081 Views
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A wicked wind blows through this place
Feel the menace in the heat on your face
Dust clings to your skin like suspicion in their eyes
Men stare as if you are theirs should they care
Lemon at every table to help wash the bitterness away
The breeze when it blows is full of the salt of tears
Years and years of fears feed to the sea
The land is cracked and dried like the heart of wicked
Millenniums of them tromping through her barren straights
LAF 08/16/15
You probably gathered by now that I’m not a big fan of my husband’s new country of residence. I wasn’t crazy about it from my cruise experience. Of course I’m sure that the extremely negative first night I had there last week didn’t help cement any positive feelings. In truth it really should have since I was a very easy target for anyone who wanted to take advantage, single petite woman obviously crying and distressed. Of course there was nothing to steal and good thieves are probably smart enough to know that. Anyway, the whole place just feels menacing and possessive. Women are very much still viewed as property by the vast majority. The women themselves seem to fall to one extreme or the other, downtrodden and broken or defiantly ignorant of the masses plight but vocal of her good life. The Viking’s Turk city is the Las Vegas of Turkey so it is very liberal compared to the rest. I have no desire to go outside of that area. As an American driving there, they are told if they are in an accident and the car is still capable of driving, don’t stop, drive to the nearest American installation and report it there. If you stop you are likely to be forcibly dragged from your car and beaten by an angry mob who blame all evils on the abahnggee (foreigner). The Mistress’s plane was delayed an hour while the secret terrorist police pulled a guy off her flight and went through all the hand luggage to be sure they had all of his. The first night we went out to dinner after the Mistress left there was a loud explosion. Turned out to be a stun grenade in a package a few blocks away at the President’s political party headquarters. Thursday we dove all day. My asthma was bothering me and still is. Not sure what is up with that. Friday afternoon I did a little shopping to get Lil Bit a gift from there. Then we had our Ga Cookout Housewarming. Mostly people the Viking works with but also his sister from another mister who teaches English there. She’s good people and was my emergency contact to get me out of there if things really went south. I don’t know how she can stand being a lesbian in that place. His work group is a hoot to hang out with.
Nothing new on the Mistress front or the Viking making good on any of his promises to reduce her impact and involvement in our lives. It appears my Knight is gone for good and of course that makes me really sad. I had hoped for a good-bye and some closure. I just hope he’s found his happiness. He’s a wonderful guy with a heart of gold and I wish him all the best. Look out world this MILF is back out on the prowl.
Kisses,
L
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To link to this blog (PurplePeach72) use [blog PurplePeach72] in your messages.
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