lawyers
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Posted:Sep 20, 2006 7:11 am
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2008 8:03 pm
17731 Views
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These are actually exchanges that have been put into a book.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your , the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest , the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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New words
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Posted:Sep 20, 2006 7:06 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2008 7:50 pm
17614 Views
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
>
>
> Here are the winners:
>
>
> 1. Intaxication
> Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
> until you realize it was your money to start with.
>
> 2. Reintarnation:
> Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
>
> 3. Bozone:
>> The substance surrounding stupid people that
> stops bright ideas from penetrating.. The bozone
> layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
> breaking down in the near future.
>
>
> 4. Foreploy:
> Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
> purpose of getting laid.
>
>
> 5.Cashtration:
> The act of buying a house,
> which renders the
> subject financially impotent for an indefinite
> period.
>
>
> 6. Giraffiti
> Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>
>
> 7. Sarchasm
> The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
> and the person who doesn't get it.
>
>
>
> 8. Inoculatte
> To take coffee intravenously when you are
> running late.
>
>
> 9. Hipatitis
> Terminal coolness.
>
>
> 10. Osteopornosis:
> A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
> credit.)
>
>
> 11. Karmageddon:
> It's like, when everybody is sending off all
> these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
> Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
>
>
> 12. Decafalon
> The grueling event of getting through the day
> consuming only things that are good for you.
>
>
> 13. Glibido:
> All talk and no action.
>
> 14. Dopeler effect:
> The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
> when they come at you rapidly.
>
>
> 15. Arachnoleptic fit:
> The frantic dance performed just after you've
> accidentally walked through a spider web.
>
>
> 16. Beelzebug:
> Satan in the form of a mosquito, that
> gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
> be cast out.
>
>
> 17. Caterpallor
> The color you turn after finding half a worm
> in the fruit you're eating.
>
>
> And the Grand Prize winner -
>
>
> 18. Ignoranus
> A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
>
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Drivers licenses
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Posted:Sep 1, 2006 10:37 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2008 7:51 pm
17604 Views
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A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied, "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother stops the car at the friend's house, gets out and walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you're 33."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
She just smiled. "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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joke, kinda
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Posted:Aug 22, 2006 6:30 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2008 7:53 pm
16975 Views
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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman
and the other, a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman
said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar
for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go
in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do
as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman
put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets
allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't
understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said,
"Yes, they're using them now. They're very
good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him
that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye may be a bit more difficult,
but thought, "What the heck, " so she put on
her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets
allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?
They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!"
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Lifestyle terms
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Posted:Aug 16, 2006 12:33 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 12:18 am
17224 Views
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These were stolen from somewhere else. We did not write, nor necessarily agree with some of them. Do not blame us - BLAME CANADA! 
Australian Death Grip [n] - The act of grabbing a woman by the crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're punched out, or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.
Blocking the Box [n] - When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick - he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due to Flood).
Chocolate Cha-Cha [n] - Anal Sex. Used in a sentence: "John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all night." (aka Driving the Hershey Highway, Riding the Dirt Trail, Utilizing the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye )
Cum Dumpster [n] - Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times.
DDF [n] - Distance Distortion Factor - refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection - "good from far, far from good". Used in a sentence: "Woah, he's hot... wait a sec...ugggh major DDF!"
Fugly [n] - Fucking Ugly. Used in a sentence: "Damn that dude was fugly!"
Fumilingus [v, n] - When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.
Game of Smiles [n] - This games involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who "smiles" has to buy a round of beer for the rest.
Going to the Bullpen [v] - The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of "paves the way".
Jim Henson [v] - When you fist someone and physically lift them off the ground. (aka The Muppett, Ass Puppett, Meat Puppett)
Matching Drapes [n] - Reference to whether or not a woman's pubic hair color matches the hair on her head. Used in a sentence: "Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder do the curtains match the drapes?"
Paying the Rent [n] - A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.
Pencil Sharpener [n] - A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up something awful.
Rusty Trombone [n] - The process by which one person is tossing someone's salad, and then reaches around and gives them a hand job. Mostly applies to men, but good for women too.
San Diego Surprise [n] - The act of bringing a girl home and while fucking her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the time.
Throwing A Pickle Down A Hallway [v] - An expression for when you've just layed the pipe to someone who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: I may as well have just thrown a pickle down the hallway.
Twinkler [n, v] - When you are 69-ing with a hunee and she gags on your member and you can see her bung-hole pucker up.
Tupperware Party [n] - When three guys are triple-teaming a chick . . . one with his hog in her mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because she is sealed air-tight.
Times Square Shuttle [n] - You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each other. You then alternately fuck each of them while they chow each other. You go from the missionary position on one and run to the other side and work in doggie style on the other one. Repeat as many times as necessary / possible. (aka Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing Ping Pong, The Gunga Din)
The Southern Trespass [n, v] - The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly switches from the woman's input to her output, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rain storm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.
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How to tell if you've grown up yet!
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Posted:Jun 9, 2006 4:43 pm
Last Updated:Aug 22, 2008 3:22 pm
17183 Views
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> 25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
>
> 1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
> 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
> 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
> 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
> 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
> 6. You watch the Weather Channel.
> 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
> 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
> 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
> 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# next
> door won't turn down the stereo.
> 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
> 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
> 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
> 14. You feed your Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
> 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
> 16. You take naps
> 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
> 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
> 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
> 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
> 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
> 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
> 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
> 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
> 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
> Bonus:
> 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do.
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The Laws of Physics
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Posted:Mar 30, 2006 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 12:18 am
17122 Views
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Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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Hell
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Posted:Mar 13, 2006 10:40 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 12:18 am
17120 Views
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The Guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great!"
"You a smoker?" The demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You are already dead remember?"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized hell was such a cool place!'
"The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate fridays.
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history lesson
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Posted:Feb 12, 2006 11:32 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
17285 Views
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Amazing History Lesson
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot in a theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald both were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Monroe, Marilyn!
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Today's Office Words to live By
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Posted:Feb 3, 2006 3:33 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
17327 Views
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BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than by working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nicole show or the Bachelor is a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located.)
GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING).
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drunk? again?
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Posted:Jan 26, 2006 5:34 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
17011 Views
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Indubitably
2. Innovative
3. Preliminary
4. Proliferation
5. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
5. Oh no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
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Harley Guys Are Fun!
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Posted:Jan 25, 2006 6:26 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
17170 Views
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This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has
finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner does the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up,
so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.
By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
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Top Ten Reasons Why Golf is Better Than Sex!
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Posted:Jan 23, 2006 5:24 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
17072 Views
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#10 - A below par performance is considered damn good!
#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers!
#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot!
#7 - Foursomes are encouraged!
#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior!
#5 - Three times a day is possible!
#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else!
#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday!
#2 - You don't have to cuddle when you're finished!
And the #1 reason why Golf is better than Sex..
#1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!
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To link to this blog (RUN2644) use [blog RUN2644] in your messages.
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